Tears

Every cried so much, you don't know what it feels like to go a day without doing it? That is how I feel. This distance is really starting to get to me. Somedays, I honestly don't know how I've done it for 3+ years now. IT SUCKS! It never used to suck before, but it really does right now. I don't know what is wrong with me and why now it is just feeling so hard. It might be because there are so many things in my life that are changing. I just moved home, I start nursing school in 17 days, and I'm supposed to start soon (hey its my blog, I don't care). All of that combined is making me crazy. Well, that is what I'm assuming. It drives me crazy when I don't hear from Andrew often, and some days I feel like that makes me a psycho, but other days I feel like its just me being a girl. Is that too much to ask for? I feel like I put too much pressure on this relationship, but I don't know how not to. I feel like I expect too much, but is that a bad thing? I want to feel loved and I don't always feel like that. My heart really hurts right now...

I know I wrote the word "feel" about 50 million times, sorry

If you knew me...

Last night I was watching the new show on MTV called "If you knew me" and I thought I would give it a shot....so here goes....

If you knew me, you would know that I'm not always as happy as I seem. Memories, thoughts, and the past get me down a lot. It's hard for me to let go of things that have hurt me, even though I try. It's hard for me to move past resentment and I really wish there was an "Easy Button" for things like that. If you knew me, you would know that my family is no where near perfect. But, I guess no family is. Some days I get so fed up with them that I just want to get in my car and drive far far away, but all in all I love them with everything I have. If you knew me, you would know that I'm scared to fail. I start nursing school next month, and I secretly don't want to. I'm so scared I'm not going to be good at being a nurse, or I won't know what to do for someone when the time comes. People ask me all the time if I am excited to start and I always say yes but deep down, I'm not at all. If you knew me, you would know that I envy many people. I think life can be unfair a lot of the time. Andrew and I have been dating for almost 3 and a half years now and not once has he been home for any of my birthdays or our anniversaries...and to me that isn't fair. I know people probably think, well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you starting dating him, but does that make any of it fair? If you knew me, you would know that some days I just feel like crying. Like today. I think crying is the only thing that is going to make me feel better. If you knew me, you would know that I miss my puppy more then anything. Just this past weekend I slept in and the first thing I thought of when I woke up was "Oh man, I need to take Moco outside." August 6 will be one year since he passed, and it still hurts my heart every time I think about him. I can still vividly picture his face and hear his bark. I miss that dog so freaking much. If you knew me, you would know that I need to get back to trusting and talking to God more. I go to church every Sunday I am in town, but it still doesn't feel like enough some days. I need to stop being so lazy and read my Bible more and just spend time with God and talk to Him. He is the one who REALLY knows me and loves me exactly how I am, so why don't I treat Him like that. If you really knew me, you would know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I try to think everything is always going to be okay and I try not to think the worst about anything, even though sometimes that is hard. If you knew me, you would know that I'm terrified of Andrew's upcoming deployment. The last one was hard on us even though we talked a lot, so I can't even imagine how Afghanistan will be. I'm terrified of something happening to him and it makes my heart sink just thinking about it. I honestly don't know what I would do with myself. If you knew me, you would know that I love people and I would seriously do anything for anyone if they needed me. I hate letting people down and I can't stand when someone is mad at me.


That is all I have so far, sorry for the rambling. I might add more later.

I've been slacking

I haven't written a blog in...forever. I know. I randomly think of something that I want to write here, but when I come to write it, it never sounds as good as it did in my head. Such is life, I guess.

I've been a pretty busy girl here for the past two weeks. My online summer classes started 2 weeks ago and I've been non stop working on them. I've been trying to get a lot of stuff done before I start Nursing School in August, which I am soooo scared about. I know that is kinda sad, but I am. I'll probably throw up the first day of classes and then be fine. ha

Yesterday was father's day, and we had a great day. I wanted to share what the card said that I got for my dad because I thought it was absolutely perfect!
It read:

A few things daughters know because of dads:

-That little princesses can be sluggers, too.
-That life's too short not to laugh...or eat ice cream...or dream big.
-That somebody thinks she's beautiful even when she forgets it.
-That there'll always be at least one guy she can count on, no matter what.

-That growing up is just for a little while, but a dad's love is forever, Happy Father's Day!



I'm one extremely blessed girl to have such an amazing father! I love him more than words could ever ever say!!!

In love with this song

"Sweater Song" - Hedley

she said baby don't leave
be home stay close be close to me
boy dont' be gone
he said baby you know
i gotta run i gotta go
i won't be long, girl i won't be long

she said boy don't you flirt
and baby please just don't get hurt
and if you feel alone then here take my shirt
he said forever girl i know you hate the weather girl
so maybe you should hold onto my sweater girl

she ran picked up the phone
said babe i miss you come back home
it can't be long, boy it can't be long
he said i hate this place
i miss your smile i miss your face
i wrote a song, girl i wrote a song

she said you make me better boy
i just mailed you a letter boy
and oh just so you know i'm still in your sweater boy
he said girl don't be hurt
i've sweat a lot and smell of dirt
and i think i'd feel naked without your shirt

he said you're looking great
i'm home i'm back i couldn't wait
girl way too long, this was way too long
she said get over here
i crave you close i need you near
now play that song, boy play me our song

he said back to forever girl
hope you endured the weather girl
now all i wanna do is get you outta that sweater girl
she said i like the way you flirt
i'm so glad you didn't get hurt
now let me see you naked without that shirt

Quotes to Remember

Save the world … it's the only planet with chocolate.
-Unknown

"Retirement should be based on the tread, not the mileage."
-Allen Ludden

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."
-Amy Bloom

"Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."
-African Proverb

The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Give not from the top of your purse but from the bottom of your heart.
-Unknown

Don't give 'til it hurts — give 'til it feels good.
-Unknown

Life may not be the party we hoped for … but while we are here we might as well dance!
-Unknown

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.
-Stacia Tauscher

By the time we realize our parents were right, we have children who think we're wrong.
-Guillermo Hernandez

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Andy Rooney

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Unknown

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Unknown

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-Unknown

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-Unknown

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Unknown

Never buy a car you can't push.
-Unknown

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
-Unknown

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-Unknown

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-Unknown

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Unknown

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
-Unknown

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
-Unknown

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
-Unknown

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
-Unknown

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
-Unknown

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
-Unknown

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
-Unknown

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
-Unknown

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
-Michael

Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile.
-Sean Connery

One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again.
-Judith Viorst

Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest thing in the nicest way.
-Isaac Goldberg

You never know when you're making a memory.
-Rickie Lee Jones

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
-Unknown

What the mother sings to the cradle goes all the way down to the coffin.
-Henry Ward Beecher

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
-Paul Fix

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
-Dudley Moore

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say 'thank you'?
-William A. Ward

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
-Charles Schulz

It was said of Henry Ward Beecher that no one ever felt the full force of his kindness until he did Beecher an injury.
-Harry Fosdick

Sometimes the difficulties God takes you through are not for you but for somebody else- for someone who is watching you and seeing how you react to and handle something.
-J. R. Ricks

There are many ways to measure success; not the least of which is the way your child describes you when talking to a friend.
-Martin Buxbaum

If all else fails, stop using all else.
-Unknown

Men may play the game, but women know the score.
-Unknown

"JUSTICE: When our kids have their own kids!"
-Unknown

We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school.
I have noticed that nothing I never said ever did me any harm.
-Calvin Coolidge

The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven't thought of yet.
-Ann Landers

Some pursue happiness - others create it.
-Unknown

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
-Unknown

Education is what you have left over after you have forgotten everything you've learned.
-Unknown

Chase your passion, not your pension.
-Edward James Olmos

None are so empty as those who are full of themselves.
-Andrew Jackson

Every morning, I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-Robert Orben

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.
-Franklin P. Adams

We can't always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we react to it.
-Robert Urich

My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.
-George Washington

I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread one day at a time.
-Charlie Brown

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-Walter Winchell

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
-Unknown

To those who need encouragement, remember this: Beware of quitting too soon. Dr. Suess' first children's book was rejected by 23 publishers. The 24th publisher sold 6 million copies.
-Ann Landers

My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.
-Oprah Winfrey

Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.
-Charles Schulz

Earn all you can, give all you can, save all you can.
-John Wesley

Courage is not limited to the battlefield or the Indianapolis 500 or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like remaining faithful when nobody's looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty, like standing alone when you're misunderstood.
-Charles Swindoll

Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
-Henry Ward Beecher

Last week was just...... =)

Last week was awesome and hectic!

It was finals week, and I had all of my 5 finals to get through; one Tuesday, one Wednesday, two Thursday, and one Friday. So, needless to say, I was REALLY looking forward to Friday! I swear, all I did all week was sleep, eat, and study! Thursday was an awesome day! I had my lab final early thursday morning, which I completely bombed....oh well. My next final was Marriage and Family and I walk in and hear some girls talking about how in his early class, he told them to just tear up the final and they all got a 100! So...we all just knew he would do that and sure enough he did! I've NEVER had a teacher in high school, or college do that, so it was such a surprise and it really just made my day! Also, right before the "final", I hear these girls talking about military relationships, so of course I listen! I just knew they would bash girls like me in some way, but I was greatly surprised! They said something along the lines of, "I could never date a guy in the military. Those types of relationships seem so hard and it really takes a strong woman to do it." I'm really glad other people realize that it can be hard and that we manage the best we can!

I got home after class, I was just about to start studying for my micro final when I got an email from my advisor at LMU telling me that I got accepted into their BSN program! I started crying. I have been so overwhelmed trying to figure out what I am going to do this summer, if I am going to take classes, where I am going to go next year, and then IF I was even going to get into a nursing program....so that email was just a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! In a way though, it also makes me extremely nervous!! I'm sure this is human nature, but what if I'm not a good nurse. What if I don't know what is wrong with my patient or how to help them. I'm terrified of failing, and for some reason that is all I can think about. I know it is going to be hard, but won't that make it just 100x more rewarding when I do finally get to become an RN. This school is 17 months straight, so hopefully by next Decemeber I will be done. I got a little bumbed thinking about some things though. I know I'm going to be crazy busy and I won't be a flexible as I am now to do things, but I'm just hoping I will be there to see Andrew leave when he deploys and I especially hope I can be there when he gets home! The thought of not being able to kills me, and we kinda talked about it last night, and he said he really wants me there, but I know if I can't come I just can't, and its just going to be a HUGE disappointment for both of us. I know he will understand, but that still won't make it any easier! Ugh....I know, I know...I shouldn't worry about it now! So, I'll try not to.

Moving on, yesterday was Mother's Day! We had a great day! Church was awesome (as always) and then we went out to eat! Mom seemed to like all her presents and then we spent the rest of the night watching movies! All in all, it was a great day and I wouldn't have changed a thing!

Today is my dad's birthday and it is very special. In Febuary he had heart surgery and we didn't know if he was going to make it, and now here we are celebrating his birthday is just awesome! It makes me even that much more thankful for him!! I'm very blessed to have such wonderful parents!

Skype

Seeing his face on skype still makes me melt! Andrew finally got internet in his room so we got to skype tonight and it literally made my night! Being able to see his face and hear his voice at the same time is so nice! I told him that it felt like he was deployed again lol. I'm so thankful he isn't....yet. He is so complementary to me and it just makes me blush! I love him like crazy! 2 weeks until he is here with me for a little bit! I'm ecstatic! This was random and pointless, but I had to share! Good night yall!

<3


I don't want the whole world, the sun, the moon, and all their light. I just want to be the only girl you love all your life- The Band Perry