Monday, August 5, 2013

My Izzy

I know I need to write more. Time just passes so fast, but I don't want to forget what happens in my life. I want to be able to read back and remember small details of my life.

This blog post will be about my niece. One of my favorite people in the whole world. This girl has been through so much in the short 5 years of her life (whether she knows it or not), and I'm so glad she is back in our lives now. I haven't talked much about what is going on but my brother is currently fighting for custody of Izzy. He goes back to court next month, and I'm praying he gets 50/50....if not more. For now, we get Izzy every other weekend, and then on the off weeks, every Thursday. Of course, all those days, I work. It has been hard seeing her as much as I would like. I miss spending time with her and it sucks I only see her an hour a night (if that) while she is with us.

Well, last night, I decided to invite her to spend the night with me. She was so excited. Mom told me she talked about it all day and couldn't wait until I got off work. When we got home, she showed me some dance moves. Let me tell you, these moves were funny. She kept saying "You probably can't do these moves, but watch" and she would jump and spin and jump and spin. After I finally convinced her to stop dancing, she got in the bathtub. She was slightly obsessed with the jets in the tub. Keep turning them on and off and asking why mamaw's tub doesn't have jets. I was in my bathing suit so I wouldn't get my clothes wet while she was in the bath and afterwards I was trying to change under my towel and Izzy said "If your towel falls, I won't laugh". This girl, I swear, has the biggest, my kindest heart. I love listening to her talk even if its about nothing. This morning she woke up and kept saying "KB I had such a good time". She even told me I needed to buy her toys for my house if she was going to be staying here more. haha

Izzy has my heart. I love her like she is my own. I never want to see her hurt or scared or sad. I only want to see her smile and laugh. There is a song from Ben Rector and it goes like this....this song is for Izzy... (just changes the words to make it about a little girl)

"I am young but you are younger so you speak more words then mumble. You have to lend an ear to everything I say.

So be kind and love your mother and your father, though sometimes they seem to bother, come my age, and you'll know

There the ones who'll always love you and support you, they prayed for you before you stepped foot into this world. That's one thing that I've learned.

I remember you were walking, in a month I'll hear you talking. There's a million things I'd love to say to you.

Though your parents, they are wiser and will be better advisers, maybe hearing these things twice will get them through.

Go and find a girl for whom your love is selfless, someone who makes you helpless, to change the way you feel. But stay away from girls who always look so pretty, who's hearts just aren't fitting for the man in you I see. Would you remember that for me?

Would you remember that for me? Oh..

Would you remember all these things?

When you find yourself alone in times of trouble, reach inside you and above you, there's nothing He can't heal.

And if it is you do not end up with a brother, just call your older uncle, I can always lend an ear. Would you remember that for me?

Would you remember that for me? Oh..."

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Missing Him

I'm not sure why, but my dad has been on my heart and mind a lot this last week. I wish I could even put into words how much my heart misses him. I see pictures of him and I can just hear his voice or picture the way he would walk. I can still feel how it would feel to hug him. I miss being able to talk to him. Get advice. I even miss hearing him be mad. I saw a quote yesterday that said "What you take for granted other people are praying for". That is so true. Before my dad got sick, I'm sure I took him for granted. I think back to this time last year. We just found out that he was sick. Before January, he was perfectly fine. I never once thought my dad would be gone in less than a year. I never thought my dad wouldn't be around to meet my children. I never thought he wouldn't be around to see me turn 24 years old. In some ways, I wish I would have known. I wish I would have known so I could have given him a longer hug, just sat with him and watched tv longer, taken car rides with him, listen to him complain about how bad UT football is and not tell him to be quiet. I wish I could have told him I loved him more. I wish I could have kissed him more. There are so many "wishes" that I have....but I know deep down in my heart, he knew. He knew how much I loved and admired him. He was my hero, my biggest fan, and the person that wanted nothing but the best for me.
My birthday was just a few weeks ago. It was hard not having my dad there. It was hard not getting those flowers from him since he promised he would never let a birthday go by without sending me flowers. It was hard not getting that "Happy Birthday sweetie" text first thing in the morning. My mom and husband tried their hardest to make my day good, and it was, but there was still someone missing....and the suckest part is that there always will be. Every birthday, every holiday, every happy occasion, there will be someone missing. In my heart, I know he is watching, but its not the same. It's not the same not getting that hug and forehead kiss or that "Good Job"'s just not the same.
The thing that is really tugging at my heart a lot lately is how he won't meet my kids. I'm not sure how many people watch "Long Island Medium", but I do and I love that show. Many times on that show, she has talked with people who have lost their parents and she says their parents held their children before they came to Earth. I LOVE that. I hope in some way that is true. That God would let my dad be there when he makes my children so my dad can see them and meet them. I'm still never going to get that picture of him holding my kids or hear him say "Welcome to Parenthood" like he told my sister. I'm never going to hear him call them "pumpkin" or be able to watch him interact with him. It's not fair. Life isn't, I know that, but sucks is the only way I know how to describe it.
The loss of my father has taught me one thing, don't take things for granted. Don't keep people in your life who no longer bring you joy, and treat those you love right. I know my dad would be proud of me. I just wish I could see him again. I love these dreams, but they are such a tease. I love you, dad. I think about you every day. This is one of my favorite picture of my daddy and I.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

"Happy" New Year

2013...... I always look forward to the New Year. I guess in some ways, I did this year too. But, it also brought some sadness. 2012 was a major rollercoaster for me. I had the best and worst days of my life all within 4 months of each other. In some ways, I didn't want 2012 to end. The end of the year took me farther away from the last day I saw my dad or heard his voice. I now can't say "he passed away in September", now it is "he passed away last year". Christmas was hard without him. I'm so blessed to have a husband who didn't even put up a fight when I said I wanted to spend the night at my mom's house and have Christmas morning there. Christmas morning is a big deal in my house and I couldn't imagine being anywhere exact with my mom. Christmas morning was honestly as good as it could be. Andrew bought all of us something to do with remembering my dad (which of course made me cry) and my mom got my dad's old business cards laminated for us. I now carry it in my wallet wherever I go. That night, we went to Andrew's house. It's nice having another family now. I found myself being extremely homesick lately, which hasn't happened since I first moved out. I just want to be with my mom and spend as much time with her as I can. I like being "home" even if no one is there. Memories have been popping into my head recently of my dad that I haven't thought about in a long time. Some nights are harder then others. I think when I'm by myself I have more time to think, which always leads to tears nowadays. I keep wondering what I would have gotten my dad for Christmas this year or what funny thing he would have said. This year will also be my first birthday without him. I miss his present and his advice. I just miss knowing that he was there.... 2013 I'm hopeful will be better than 2012. I just wish it was going to be a littler different 2013

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