Sunday, February 10, 2013

Missing Him

I'm not sure why, but my dad has been on my heart and mind a lot this last week. I wish I could even put into words how much my heart misses him. I see pictures of him and I can just hear his voice or picture the way he would walk. I can still feel how it would feel to hug him. I miss being able to talk to him. Get advice. I even miss hearing him be mad. I saw a quote yesterday that said "What you take for granted other people are praying for". That is so true. Before my dad got sick, I'm sure I took him for granted. I think back to this time last year. We just found out that he was sick. Before January, he was perfectly fine. I never once thought my dad would be gone in less than a year. I never thought my dad wouldn't be around to meet my children. I never thought he wouldn't be around to see me turn 24 years old. In some ways, I wish I would have known. I wish I would have known so I could have given him a longer hug, just sat with him and watched tv longer, taken car rides with him, listen to him complain about how bad UT football is and not tell him to be quiet. I wish I could have told him I loved him more. I wish I could have kissed him more. There are so many "wishes" that I have....but I know deep down in my heart, he knew. He knew how much I loved and admired him. He was my hero, my biggest fan, and the person that wanted nothing but the best for me.
My birthday was just a few weeks ago. It was hard not having my dad there. It was hard not getting those flowers from him since he promised he would never let a birthday go by without sending me flowers. It was hard not getting that "Happy Birthday sweetie" text first thing in the morning. My mom and husband tried their hardest to make my day good, and it was, but there was still someone missing....and the suckest part is that there always will be. Every birthday, every holiday, every happy occasion, there will be someone missing. In my heart, I know he is watching, but its not the same. It's not the same not getting that hug and forehead kiss or that "Good Job"'s just not the same.
The thing that is really tugging at my heart a lot lately is how he won't meet my kids. I'm not sure how many people watch "Long Island Medium", but I do and I love that show. Many times on that show, she has talked with people who have lost their parents and she says their parents held their children before they came to Earth. I LOVE that. I hope in some way that is true. That God would let my dad be there when he makes my children so my dad can see them and meet them. I'm still never going to get that picture of him holding my kids or hear him say "Welcome to Parenthood" like he told my sister. I'm never going to hear him call them "pumpkin" or be able to watch him interact with him. It's not fair. Life isn't, I know that, but sucks is the only way I know how to describe it.
The loss of my father has taught me one thing, don't take things for granted. Don't keep people in your life who no longer bring you joy, and treat those you love right. I know my dad would be proud of me. I just wish I could see him again. I love these dreams, but they are such a tease. I love you, dad. I think about you every day. This is one of my favorite picture of my daddy and I.

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