Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Very interesting

Today in my marriage and family class, my teacher was talking about how important communication skills are in relationships. Everything he said was so helpful and I know I definitely need to apply these when Andrew and I get into a fight. I found them so helpful/interesting I thought I would share them....so here goes! Hope it helps some of ya'll too. =)

Destructive and Constructive ways when it comes to communication:

Destructive (aka don't do these):
  • Name calling- this one might seem pretty obvious, but no matter if you were mad at your SO or what, you should never name call, because even if you apologize and your SO says they forgive you, still, they will probably always remember it.
  • Drifting - If your SO brings up a situation they want to change, and then you change the subject, that is a result of anxiety. Always try to work things out in the moment, don't keep putting it off
  • Kitchen sinking- not really sure why it is called this, but don't bring things up from the past. It only causes more fights, especially if you all have already talked about it and "overcome" it
  • Diagnosis - Don't say to your SO "you know what your problem is".....ummm if Andrew ever said that to me, I would probably smack him, so steer clear of diagnosing someone else's problems....just talk about them. Don't judge.
  • De-valuing- My teacher's example of this was "Say you went to a party with your boyfriend and his friend said something to you that hurt your feelings and you later told your boyfriend about it and his response was "oh that is just the way he is" or "he didn't mean it". De-valuing the way your partner feels only hurts their feelings more and makes them think that you care more about your friend then their own feelings.
  • Threatening- NEVER do this. It sets commands on a relationship or it can be emotional black mailing. This is saying something like "if you don't lose weight, we are done" or even going so far to say "if you break up with me, I will kill myself" Threats like this, whether they are serious or not, are just BADDDD
  • Mind-reading - Never tell your SO that you already know what they are going to say, because you don't and it just seems to devalue their own thoughts


  • Validation - tell them you understand their feelings and that you are there for them. Sometimes listening isn't all a person needs
  • "I" statements - Instead of saying "You spend too much time with your friends and never with me" say "I miss our time together." The first one accuses them and the second one paraphrasing what you are saying in a more sensitive way and will probably get your point across more efficiently.
  • Leveling- put all your cards on the table, don't hold anything back. If you don't, it will only come back to bite you in the butt later.
  • Editing - Monitor your emotions when you are in a fight. Don't let them influence how you act.....

Hope these were kind of helpful and eye-opening. I know they helped me realize something!



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