dreams

I saw my dad last night. I love dreams like that. I feel happy every time I wake up. In my dream, I knew he wasn't living so I was so confused when he walked up to me. I was so happy though. I wish I could have dreams about him every night. I miss everyday. I seriously cry on the way home from work every night. I don't know what it is about that drive. I guess it just gives me time to think. Think about him, how much I miss his advice and wisdom, how much I miss talking to him, and seeing him. I took my car into get the oil changed on Monday and they called and asked if I wanted to get the 90,000 mile check up. It was $400. I instantly thought "I need to call dad and see what he thinks I should do." That my first official break down. I didn't know what to do. He had all the answers like that. My dad's franchise did a memorial in their monthly news magazine. It's awesome seeing what everyone says about my dad. How he told his doctor to do whatever he had to do to keep him alive so he could walk me down the aisle. I think my dad in some ways knew he wasn't going to make it. God really works in mysterious ways. He knew all along what was going to happen to my dad. That is why he had Andrew propose when he did, he knew we would think Andrew would be deploying in June so we would get married before then, then have Andrew not deploy and get out of the MC so he could be home with me through all this. Andrew helped me so much during that time, and still is. I haven't found a way to thank him yet. I'm not sure how I would have reacted is roles were reversed, but he just held me while I cried and would listen to me whenever I needed to talk. I don't think he knows really how much I do cry still. I try not to let anyone see that. Songs can set me off, pictures, seeing my mom's front porch lights on last night set me off. About a week ago, I was at my parent's house in my old bedroom. I found a card from my dad. I opened it up and it was one of those record-able kinds. Hearing his voice instantly brought tears to my eyes. Now I will always have that, his voice right in my hands. The song "One more day" by Diamond Rio really has hit home. I wish I could spend one more day with him, but I know it would only leave me wishing for more.....

Does it get easier?

A few days ago was the one month mark of my dad's passing. It still doesn't seem real. I can picture the way he looks so vividly and my heart just aches. I find myself calling my parent's house when I know no one is home just so I can hear his voice on the voice mail. I find myself searching for pictures of him just to see his face again. I'm not sure it will ever get easier. I'm not sure if people know exactly what surgery my dad had. Two years ago, he had a anursym removed and pig valve placed and he also had his tricuspid valve replaced. That surgery went great. He was off the breathing machine the next day and was home in about 2 weeks. He started cardiac rehab and within months was working out again and feeling better then he ever had. This past January, (the day I found my wedding dress to be exact) he started having really bad chest pains. My mom and I were at the bridal store when my brother called and said he was taking dad to the ER. They did blood work to check his cardiac enzymes, nothing wrong. They gave him pain medicine and sent him home. At the end of January, he was sick to his stomach and throwing up constantly. I had my NCLEX test that morning and came home to him sick. After 20 more mins of him being sick, I drove him to the ER. They tried to find out what was wrong, did scans, checked his gallbladder. Nothing was wrong! It's one of those times you just wish they would find something wrong so we could get it fixed. But nothing. After this, my dad made an appointment with his cardiologist. In February, my dad was placed in the hospital and they did a CT scan to find out what was wrong. When the Dr. walked in to tell us the results of the CT scan my heart was pounding. He said there was a tear in my dad's descending aorta that went all the way down to his kidneys. I know he explained it more but I couldn't pay attention anymore. I was scared. What do you think when someone tells you the your dad has a tear in his heart. The doctor said they would wait to do surgery because the tear needed to scar over some so it wouldn't bust during surgery. My dad's one request was to wait until after my wedding. I keep thinking what if he can't make it, what if my dad never gets to walk me down the isle. What if I lose my dad. After the dr left, my dad called me over to him and just hugged me and we both cried. We were both scared as was the whole family. From February to September, my dad was placed on multiple blood pressure medications to make sure his blood pressure stayed low. All that medicine made him very sleepy. May 12, 2012 was the day of my wedding. My dad made it to my wedding. Looking back at the pictures, you can see how sick my dad looked, but I could see how happy he was too. He was happy to be there even though I know how sad he was that he was "losing his little girl". He cried when I gave him his present. He held my hand tightly during prayer, he cried (as did I) during our father/daughter dance. That dance will always hold a special place in my heart. That day, other then the obvious reason, will always hold a special place in my heart. Over the next few months, my dad went to multiple dr's appts. His surgery was finally scheduled for Sept 4. The day before, we all went over the my parents house. Looking back, I wish I had gone over earlier just to spend some time with him. My sister was in town so we had dinner and just sat around talking. I remember after dinner, leaning up against my dad's arm, I said "Are you nervous" and he said, "Wouldn't you be?". :/ The next morning, we all got to the hospital at 530am. I remember seeing him get out of the car, I remember seeing him walk. Telling him goodbye right before he went off to pre-op was heart breaking. My told him I loved him and that he was the best dad ever. That was the last time I would ever speak with my dad. He made it through surgery fine (or so we thought). I came back to see him the next morning before work expecting to see him off the breathing machine, and he wasn't. I instantly felt like something wasn't right. The night nurse told me he had started having seizures that night which wasn't normal. Thankfully my boss let me have as many days off as I needed. My family and I spent all day at the hospital, every day getting worse news. He had a stroke, the back of his brain had the most damage. If he did wake up, he would not be able to walk or probably speak. After speaking with the doctors and talking at home as a family, we decide that we didn't want to keep dad like this and he even decided himself months earlier he didn't want this life. We took him off life support on Sept 9 and while I was holding his hand he slipped into the arms of God. That day seems like a blur. Life is still very hard. I find myself wanting to talk to him so badly.I want to see his face, hear him laugh. God did bless me with a dream where my dad told me he was okay and I needed to keep living my life. My heart drops every morning when I think about not being able to see him. It sucks so bad knowing my children won't ever know their grandfather. Work seems to help, it keeps me busy. I still cry every day. I miss my dad more than I can even start to explain. I would give just about anything to see him again. You know that question that goes "Who is the one person dead or alive that you would have dinner with?"....my answer will always be my dad. I have a peace knowing that I will see him again. I find myself longing for that day. The day were we will praise Jesus again in Heaven. I hope he still knows how much I love him and how much I miss him. My life will never be the same. I still will smile, laugh, and love but that one piece of my heart that was my dad's will always be broken.I know I am very blessed to have had a dad like him, very blessed, I just wish I didn't have to lose him at 23. People say that the one thing they remember my dad saying before his surgery was "It's a win-win situation, either I make it through and be with my family again or I get to be with Jesus." Selfish me wishes he made it through the surgery with no brain damage and would be happy and healthy here with me. I know God has a reason for this, I know in my heart He does. But I don't know what that reason is. I found a letter my dad wrote to me on my 16th birthday. I plan to get it framed and hang it in my house. The whole letter is what I think he would say if he wrote a goodbye letter. I'm so glad I kept it. My dad ends the letter saying, "I was the first man in your life, but I know I won't be the last but I hope you always remember me as the one who wanted nothing but the best for you. I'll always be here for you, Love Dad." I miss you and love you, daddy! 05/10/1948-09/09/2012

Happy/Nervous

I'm not really sure how to feel. Last night when I found out the news about Osama, I ran downstairs and shared the news with my dad. We both couldn't believe, so we turned on Fox News. Sure enough, "Osama Bin Laden is dead" was at the bottom of the screen. It a way, it was wonderful to see. After all this time, we finally got him. We got the man that killed our own people. After 10 years, we killed him. I know all the troops are freaking ecstatic right now. I'm so proud of our troops, I can't even explain it.

In another sense, I'm nervous...and scared. I scared about what it is going to be like in Afghanistan now. I was Andrew was coming home sooner then July. I'm nervous that the Taliban is going to get even more pissed off and come at us with full force. Not to mention, the Taliban even announced yesterday that they were officially starting their Spring Offensive. I want Andrew to stay safe, but I feel helpless. I know he and his whole unit are good Marines. They have been trained by the best and they are the best, but I still can't help thinking "What is going to happen now." I keep praying for the troops safety every time it crosses my mind. This war is a long way from over, and they need as many prayers as they can get. God please protect them, keep them strong and alert. If it is Your Will, confuse the enemy and make them weak. Be with our guys and let them all come home safely!

Pslam 91 has really been helping me:
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

This is going to be a long two months. The only way I am going to feel better anytime soon is to hear Andrew's voice and to find out how it is over there now. Ugh...stay safe baby!

Oh man, it's been forever

This is the first time THIS YEAR that I have written anything. Kinda pathetic. I really need to keep up with this thing more because I know later on in life I'm going to love coming back and reading everything. My life over the past 4 months has been emotional and stressful, but overall good. God has really taken care of me when I need Him the most. Andrew has now been deployed for almost 5 months. This is my 2nd real deployment and we don't get to talk nearly as often as we did last time. I would say he calls once every 2 weeks (if that) and I haven't seen his face since he left. I've been trying to see how God works in my life and really taken it upon myself to realize it. This time 2 years ago, I would be going crazy within a week if Andrew hadn't called or skype-d with me, now I'm just thankful everytime he can call. I know he is safe and sound and he was thinking of me. God has also filled my life with school. I know I complain about it and it is really hard, but overall I am thankful that I have something to do to pass the time. I honestly can't believe I am almost done with my 2nd semester of Nursing School. It feels like it just started. I find myself loving it more and more.

This post is going to be all over the place but I feel like I have a lot to say.

My neice is now 3. We had her birthday party last weekend and she had a blast. She is the most beautiful little girl, I know I might be biased, but its the truth.lol I treat her more like my sister than anything. I guess it is because I never had a younger sibling, so I get to pick on her and drive her crazy. It's kinda weird how bugging her amuses me. My mom hates it, but its all for fun!! I love that little girl to pieces and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

I found out on Saturday that Andrew's unit lost 2 guys. The first time I got an email about a casuality was in January and I started crying. It was probably because it was so soon after he left and it just scared me. I know he is danger everyday, but then to hear about someone getting hurt near where he is put it in a whole perspective for me. This time around, I found out about it online. It took over my thoughts for the rest of the day. I kept thinking about the two Marines,those poor families, the poor Marines that had to witness it, just everything. I have found myself praying for Andrew's safety more and more after that. I know when he comes home and I get to finally hug him at homecoming, its going to be like a huge weight has been lifted. I can't wait until he is home. I know a couple post ago, I mentioned how I was going to be counting up....well here is a picture of how I am doing it.



This was taken a few weeks ago. My heart is getting close to finally being full again. I know I am ready for him to be home, I can almost imagine how he feels. One of my friends texted me the other day, and she said the sweetest thing. It is funny how little reminders make your whole entire day. I said something along the lines of "I miss him, I can't wait till he comes home", and my friend said, "You know he misses you" and I replied "I hope so", and what she said next, I will always remember. She said "Girl you're the best thing in that boy's life. Trust me, he's counting down the days." :) Should I say it again how much I can't wait until he is home??

This coming week is finals. Then I have one week off and I start summer school. If you read this, can you please say a prayer for me. I know it will be stressful and time consuming but in the end completely worth it. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I know God will give me the energy to get through this, as He always does.

I promise I will try to update this thing more, I've really missed it.

Definitely made me cry

I didnt write this, a Marine Girlfriend posted it on facebook forever ago.


My love and prayers go out to all the girls who will read this note, fully understand every single word, and be in tears by the time she’s done…

If you have never loved a Marine, then you wouldn’t know how it feels to watch him leave, never knowing when you will see his face again. You wouldn’t know the pain endured and tears shed with every good-bye. You wouldn’t know how it feels to hope and pray he comes back the same man you fell in love with. You wouldn’t know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep for months on end, and the longing to simply touch his cheek. You wouldn’t know the heartache after missing his long awaited call or the hint of happiness when you realize that you are now able to listen to the voicemail over and over again. You wouldn’t understand why a Friday night on the phone with him beats going out with the girls. You haven’t truly felt the lack of sleep until after those long phone calls that go on until midnight his time, six A.M. yours when you have to get up for work at seven.

If you’ve never loved a Marine you wouldn’t know how it feels to go to a restaurant or to the mall, attempting not to notice couples holding hands, trying to hold back tears, knowing it will be twenty seven weeks until your fingers are once more intertwined in his.

If you’ve never loved a Marine, you would never be able to comprehend the immense pride that fills your smile when you wear his sweatshirt with ‘USMC’ across your chest, or the reason you wear his dog tags: to always keep him close to your heart♥. You wouldn’t know what its like to cuddle up in his clothes and grasp the teddy bear he made you last week, knowing that its the closest to him you can get. You wouldn’t understand how decorating the back of your car with bumper stickers could ever be cool, and the connection you feel with another whose car wears the same emblem as your own. You wouldn’t know the sacrifice, the willingness to let go of someone you love so much for the good of faceless strangers who would not have spared him a passing glance, had he been in his civilian clothes. You wouldn’t know the feeling of uncertainty, never knowing where he will be sent next year, or next week. You would never know how it feels to be left alone with your hopes, dreams, and fears, to have your whole future hanging in the balance of the next couple months until he comes home.

If you’ve never loved a Marine, you would never fully know the meaning of the phrase: ‘Semper Fi.’ You wouldn’t be able to comprehend the anxiousness of waiting for the mailman, the extreme joy when a letter finally arrives, and the tears that follows as you read his quick scribbled handwriting. You wouldn’t ever have to send a letter with its stamp upside down to a faraway camp in a land you rather not know about. You wouldn’t understand the anticipation leading up to the day when you can once again hold him in your arms. You wouldn’t know why that feeling of awe over a man in uniform, has suddenly become a deep longing and grief because you miss your man so much.

If your heart has never belonged to a Marine you wouldn’t know what it’s like to become ecstatic when you see a man in dress blues across a billboard, freak out when you watch the commercial on T.V., and feel your chest tighten when you read a sign that says ‘Support our Troops, Bring Them Home!’ You wouldn’t understand this because you do not realize that he wanted to fight, and as much as you need him, you know our country needed him more. You’ll never understand the strength you have to muster up to be strong and put on a smile for the world, even though you feel so weak inside.

Unless you’ve loved a Marine, you wouldn’t know that the meaning behind his girl’s smile is heartache and longing, pride and joy, willingness and uncertainty, and a love great enough to cross oceans, encompass deserts, transcend mountains, and overcome anything that comes between the two of them.

Friendships

I take friendships pretty seriously. I don't know about everyone else, but friends are like family so I'm going to treat them that way. I don't know what it is about today, but little things have really kinda hurt my heart when it comes to friends. I know I personally put in effort with my friends, tell them I miss them, ask them to hang out, ask them to come places with me, etc. And I love how a couple of people in particular never do it back. I know it kinda sounds like I'm in 5th grade, but it is starting to hurt my feelings. I think I'm going to start living by the quote that says "Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option." I hate the fact that we go from talking all the time, then when I stop texting, they don't ever text me. I don't want to be the one who always does it first. How is that friendship? I don't really know how to put what I'm feeling into words. I tell you all about my life, what I'm doing ect, and I have to find out what you are doing from facebook. Seriously? I had no idea about it and I feel like if you were really excited about what is going on in your life, you would share it with me. Well, I guess not. It just makes me want to stick with friends who actually care. That's all I've got tonight, I guess.

I might delete this tomorrow, it just made me feel better getting it out.

Semper Fi

This is the story of a wounded Marine meeting the Commandant, as told by Former President Ronald Reagan in a speech, in 1987
My dad use to tell me about this, and now I just stumbled across it. It made me cry.

Excerpt from President Ronald Reagan’s March 4, 1987 speech, dealing with the Marine Barracks Bombing in Beirut, Lebanon:

“…May I share something with you I think you’d like to know? It’s something that happened to the Commandant of our Marine Corps, General Paul Kelley, while he was visiting our critically injured Marines in an Air Force Hospital. It says more than any of us could ever hope to say about the gallantry and heroism of these young men who serve so willingly so that others might have a chance at peace and freedom in their own lives and in the life of their country. I’ll let General Kelley’s words describe the incident.

He spoke of a ‘young marine with more tubes going in and out of his body than I have ever seen in one body. He couldn’t see very well. He reached up and grabbed my four stars, just to make sure I was who I said I was. He held my hand with a firm grip. He was making signals , and we realized he wanted to tell me something. We put a pad of paper in his hand - and he wrote “Semper Fi.”

Well, if you’ve been a Marine or if, like myself, you’re an admirer of the Marines, you know those words are a battlecry, a greeting, and a legend in the Marine Corps. They’re Marine shorthand for the motto of the Corps - “Semper Fidelis” — “Always Faithful.”

General Kelley has a reputation for being a very sophisticated general and a very tough Marine. But he cried when he saw those words, and who can blame him?”