Back to reality

I haven't updated this thing in what feels like forever. My life has been kinda hectic, but isn't that how it always is? Andrew came home last Thursday and he just left today. Right when I drove out of his driveway, I got instantly sad. I know he is gone WAY more then he is home, but when he is home longer than a week, I get used to him being with me, and now I don't know what I'm gonna do now that he is gone. I already miss him. I haven't slept alone so tonight is gonna be kinda weird, but oh well. The week he was here, I was really emotional, and I don't know why. I felt bad for being that way around Andrew, but I honestly couldn't help it. I guess I was stressed with midterms being the same exact week he was home (how convienant right?) and then trying to manage my time with all that and then my dad got put back into the hospital since he was having a hard time breathing, so this WHOLE month has been hard, but I got through it. Thankfully! I have three tests next week, but after that its spring break and I'll be with Andrew again, so I can't complain too much!

Changing subjects though, I am such a weird and confusing person. It has always been hard for me to tell people how I feel about them. When people say they miss me or they love me, it makes me feel awkward and I don't know how. Like how stupid is that.? I don't really like to people how I feel about them either because I guess it makes me feel vulnerable? I don't actually know though, it is such a weird feeling. And for some reason I started thinking, what is love? In my marriage and family class, my teacher was saying love is caring for the other person, wanting to spend time with them, etc...but I take it as more then that, but the funny thing is, I can't explain what it is either. When I tell my mom I love her, what does the word *love* mean? When I tell Andrew I *love* him, what does that mean? I know this is soooo confusing, but I feel like now-a-days, people use the L word too much. They love this show, they love running, they love pizza.....but that love IS NOT the same thing as saying you love someone. That is why when I tell someone I "love" them, I try to use another word or another phrase like I adore you or something along those lines. And love can't just be a word, it has to be an action. I know Andrew loves me, but knowing it sometimes isn't always enough. Just the other night I was a ball of emotions, and I can't tell you why because I don't even know. Well I just started crying and Andrew wraps his arms around me and tells me to just let it all out and that he was there for me and he talked me through it. He never once used the word love or anything like that, but just by his actions, I knew how he felt. I know this was so confusing and probably didn't make much sense. It doesn't really make much sense to me either, but I just something don't like the way I am, and I wish when people would tell me that they loved me, I would believe them instead of having to second guess them. For me love is a feeling you can't explain, and that is how I know I love someone.

Ok, I'll stop being confusing now