Definition of Love

I posted this on facebook and little bit ago and I just re-read it tonight and it gave me chills once again. It is such the truth.....

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies.



You expect him to always say the right thing, and to always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect him to calm you down when you’re yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn’t exactly match up with all your plans. But that’s the thing.



Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.



Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can’t comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can’t see. They can’t see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you’re in love.



It’s inconvenient, painful, and devastating at times, but we can’t live without it. What you don’t learn is how hard love is. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn’t worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.



Love isn’t him calming you down when you yell. It’s him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you. Right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn’t him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.



It’s after a fight, that drains the life and bones right out of both of you, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It’s not him saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it’s not him caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be okay. It’s him standing there, admitting he’s just as scared as you are.



You have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved. You’re unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of anothers hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into a million pieces. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you in the first place. Just as long as you have it.



It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn’t cross. Because love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It’s about scaring the sh*t out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway.Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it.



And it’s a heck of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of difference between feeling ‘happy’ and feeling whole.

I gotta keep this thing up to date....

A lot has been happening! First, Nursing School has been going pretty well! I've been in school for a little over a month and a half and it has flown by. I'm hoping the next 16 months fly by as well! It has been stressful and busy with studying ever weekend, but I know in the end when I'm able to graduate, it is going to be all worth it!

Also, I have gotten to see Andrew 2 times this month. Two weekends ago, Andrew got a random 96 and he came home. I absolutely LOVE when he comes home. Things are so much better when he is in Knoxville. I love hanging out with him around both of our families and just being able to do things. It makes my heart happy. We went to the UT vs Florida football game, which was the first one we got to go to together since 2008. Even though we lost and it was miserably hot outside, it was fun being with him.
Then, just this past weekend was the Marine Corps Birthday Ball. Andrew's was early this year because in November he will be training and not be here, so they pushed it up. I gotta admit, it was nearly as fun or as nice as the one in 2008. This year's was on base in a field house with no A/C. Outside felt better then in did in there. We only stayed until the presentation was over and we left to go to Ihop to eat! It felt like prom all over again, but it was fun. I left bright and early Sunday morning to get home to have time to study for my test on Monday. I hate leaving Jacksonville. I feel like that is where I am meant to be I feel like....oh well...


That's just a little bit of what has been going on in my life....fun right? haha

My heart is hurting

I don't even know where to start with this. Everytime I think about it, I want to start crying. One of the sweetest, most caring, and loving girls that I know doesn't deserve to be going through what she is. Thursday morning I woke up for work and got on facebook. I see Chrissy's status that said "This isn't happening, it can't be". Chrissy and I have become texting buddies, I guess you would say. Every since her boyfriend deployed, her and I text each other a lot. Venting has always helped my soul and no matter what she was going through, she always listened to me and gave wonderful advice and support. When I texted her Thursday, I asked her what was wrong and she told me that Josh had died. At first I thought it was a joke, and then I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and heart broken for her. All I could do was cry. I cried for her pain and her loss. I know she is unbearably sad and confused. I know I would be. I honestly don't know how I would manage to keep breathing. But as I have seen over the last couple of days, Chrissy is so much stronger then I could ever think of being. I know she is going through more then she ever has before and she is having a hard time with people, but she still goes on. She is still living as hard as it is. I admire her strength and her courage. I've been thinking about her constantly since I found out. I've been praying and I know God will take care of Chrissy, but it still doesn't make things any easier. I honestly do not not how I could handle something like this, and it makes me so scared for Andrew to be going over to Afghanistan soon. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Chrissy is living my worst nightmare and I just wish this was all a dream. She didn't deserve this and it just saddens me because I can only imagine how much pain she is in. I hope God comforts her as quickly as possible!! I don't know if she will ever read this, but I'm so sorry Chrissy. You're an angel and I'm always here for you if you need someone to listen to you! Hang in there and know that so many people love you.... :(

RIP Josh

Also, the board I am on has rasied over $1000 to help Chrissy. Who knew women that you meet online can become such a sisterhood and love eachother so much! It is just amazing to me and I'm proud to be a part of it!

Exactly What I Needed To Hear

Today's church sermon was amazing. I felt like God wanted me to be there to hear it and it was in some ways written to help me. It was absolutely amazing and I'm going to try to explain what Pastor Sam talked about.

The whole service was about Marriages marred and mended. Now, yes, I'm well aware that I'm not married, but I felt like this applied directly to my relationship. It's no secret that Andrew and I have our problems. We are a very passionate couple, and passion comes with love and sometimes (well many times) arguments.

A model marriage has this:

Oneness - Where your spouse is the most important person in your life, other than God. In the bible it says, "A man is to leave his mother and father and join with his wife." Pastor Sam said that doesn't mean you technically have to leave your parents, but a man is to now regard his wife as the most important relationship, and no one should come before her (expect for God).

Openness - This one is kinda self explanatory. You have to be open with your spouse.

Next..... A Marred Marriage

Pastor Sam talked about how marriage problems are spiritual problems. Which I totally agree, and that can also be in any dating relationship too. Selfishness is the heart of the problem. That really struck a cord with me, because I know he is right. I'm not ashamed to say I can be and am selfish. It is one of my worst qualities. That has to change if I ever want things to get better. I realize that and I really am working hard on it. Pastor Sam named some selfish-ness (is that a word?) and I'm gonna write them out. I don't remember exactly what he said with each of them because I was to busy paying attention to write. haha

~ Self-focused Deception
~ Self-focused Desire - which he said was focusing on what I don't have more than what I do have. Which, by the way, is A LOT if I would just realize it.
~ Self-focused Desire
~ Self-focused Deflection
~ Self-focused Domination

And then the blame game starts. In Genesis, Adam blames Eve for tempting him with the apple, and then Eve blames the snake. They never blame themselves, which I admit, I do a lot. I got to start sucking up my pride and blaming myself for the stuff I have done.

Pastor Sam said marriages are never hopeless, because there is a God who can mend ANYTHING!

Next.... A Mended Marriage
God gives hope to the broken hearted.

A marriage (or relationship) can be mended through the power of our Savior.

Romans 5:20b was quoted. It says, "But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more."

He also showed this picture.


He said," If there is hope at ground zero, then there can be hope in a marriage."

The key to any marriage or relationship is to not focusing on each other, but on Jesus.

I hoped this helped someone, because it really did help me!!

For the guys....

Tell her how you ADMIRE her. when she’s upset, hold her tight. PICK HER OVER all the other girls you hang out with. PLAY WITH HER HAIR. pick her up, tickle her and wrestle with her. JUST TALK TO HER. TELL HER JOKES. BRING HER FLOWERS just because. Holdherhandandrun. just hold her hand. …let her fall asleep in your arms. Tell her she looks beautiful. Look into her eyes and smile. kiss her on the forehead. kiss her in the rain. If you want to be with her… tell her

Tell her why you think shes so amazing. Play with her hair. Talk to her in movie theatres. Snuggle, Hold her hand, and lightly KISS her. Hold her hand and walk. Hold her hand and run. Just hold her hand. Pick flowers from other peoples yards and give them to her. Tell her she looks BEAUTIFUL. Introduce her to your friends as "The most amazing girl I know''. Sit in the park and talk to her. Take her to the library, ice skating, playgrounds, and coffee shops. Tell her stupid jokes... Whatever it takes to make her laugh. Write poems about her. Walk with her, even if its just around the block. Throw pebbles at her window at night. SURPRISE HER. Do things that make her SMILE, make her LAUGH, and make her want to KISS you right on the face. BE SPONTANEOUS.. When she starts yelling at you, listen to her and remember why you upset her so next time you wont. Give her back rubs. Play football with her. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Call her even if its just to say hi. Call her back if she calls you. Whisper in her ear. Sing to her, no matter how bad you are. Carve your names into a tree. Push her on swings. Stay up with her all night. Leave her little unexpected notes.. on the car, or on her door, saying how much she means to you. Take her to romantic places and lay out blankets to look at the *stars*. Show up at her work or apartment unexpectedly. Send flowers and dorky notes that only you two understand. Teach her guitar. Lend her your cds. Make her cds of songs that remind you of her. Write her letters. If she asks you to go to a show with her, go, even if it means a 5 hour car trip. Go on a road trip even if theres no destination or you cant be gone long. Listen to her favorite songs. When shes sad or sick, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if shes not saying anything. Buy her ice cream. Let her take all the pictures of you SHE WANTS. Look into her eyes. Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast. Make her a romantic dinner for special days. Remember dates.. even ones like your first kiss or date and surprise her on the anniversary. Kiss her in the rain. Kiss her when she least expects it. Be her best friend...

Nursing School/Feelings

Today I had round one of my nursing school orientation. I was so nervous and anxious that it made my head hurt. I have no idea why I get so nervous over nursing school, I guess I just don't want to fail. I want summer to last forever, but then I also want school to start so I can get it over with. 17 months will be over before I know it right? I almost fainted when I learned how much books were. They are basicially 1/3 of how much my tutition is. I keep having to tell myself it will be worth it in the future.

Also, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, I am seriously in a funk. I think I figured out why, and its this simple...jealously and distance. I'm not going to mention any names but a couple of people might know exactly who I'm talking about. I hate when I see people get what I want when they don't even deserve it. They get to experience something that I want and its just not fair. I guess life isn't fair, but duringthe last couple months it REALLY hasn't been fair. I don't know how else to explain it without just coming out and saying whats wrong, but this past weekend was hard. Also, distance is seriously getting the best of me. Its been 3 weeks since I have seen Andrew's face, or hugged him, or gotten to touch him and I feel like I'm wasting away. It feels like forever, and I have atleast a month (if not more) until I see him again. It makes me tear up typing this, but distance is so hard. Most of my friends have no idea how it feels to not see their boyfriends for weeks or months at a time, so I feel so lonely sometimes. Even though I keep my mouth shut, I can't stand when people tell me "I can't imagine doing what you are doing, I miss my boyfriend after one night a part." Well suck it up....that is what I want to say. If you had to, you could do it. It's hard and it sucks, but please keep it to yourself that the most you are a part from your boyfriend is a night here or there. Most people don't get what I go through, and I guess that is okay. They don't have to. I just wish sometimes that it wasn't so hard. I love seeing Andrew for more then a weekend, but I also feel like it makes it harder. I've never felt so lonely then I do right now, and like I said, its only been 3 weeks. I wish I could fix whatever is wrong with me, but I guess first I have to figure out what it is. I just wish for once I could get some luck....I just miss my boyfriend and I'm allowed to whine about it.

Life

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating, or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life's about.