I know I wrote the word "feel" about 50 million times, sorry
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tears
Every cried so much, you don't know what it feels like to go a day without doing it? That is how I feel. This distance is really starting to get to me. Somedays, I honestly don't know how I've done it for 3+ years now. IT SUCKS! It never used to suck before, but it really does right now. I don't know what is wrong with me and why now it is just feeling so hard. It might be because there are so many things in my life that are changing. I just moved home, I start nursing school in 17 days, and I'm supposed to start soon (hey its my blog, I don't care). All of that combined is making me crazy. Well, that is what I'm assuming. It drives me crazy when I don't hear from Andrew often, and some days I feel like that makes me a psycho, but other days I feel like its just me being a girl. Is that too much to ask for? I feel like I put too much pressure on this relationship, but I don't know how not to. I feel like I expect too much, but is that a bad thing? I want to feel loved and I don't always feel like that. My heart really hurts right now...
I know I wrote the word "feel" about 50 million times, sorry
I know I wrote the word "feel" about 50 million times, sorry
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
If you knew me...
Last night I was watching the new show on MTV called "If you knew me" and I thought I would give it a shot....so here goes....
If you knew me, you would know that I'm not always as happy as I seem. Memories, thoughts, and the past get me down a lot. It's hard for me to let go of things that have hurt me, even though I try. It's hard for me to move past resentment and I really wish there was an "Easy Button" for things like that. If you knew me, you would know that my family is no where near perfect. But, I guess no family is. Some days I get so fed up with them that I just want to get in my car and drive far far away, but all in all I love them with everything I have. If you knew me, you would know that I'm scared to fail. I start nursing school next month, and I secretly don't want to. I'm so scared I'm not going to be good at being a nurse, or I won't know what to do for someone when the time comes. People ask me all the time if I am excited to start and I always say yes but deep down, I'm not at all. If you knew me, you would know that I envy many people. I think life can be unfair a lot of the time. Andrew and I have been dating for almost 3 and a half years now and not once has he been home for any of my birthdays or our anniversaries...and to me that isn't fair. I know people probably think, well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you starting dating him, but does that make any of it fair? If you knew me, you would know that some days I just feel like crying. Like today. I think crying is the only thing that is going to make me feel better. If you knew me, you would know that I miss my puppy more then anything. Just this past weekend I slept in and the first thing I thought of when I woke up was "Oh man, I need to take Moco outside." August 6 will be one year since he passed, and it still hurts my heart every time I think about him. I can still vividly picture his face and hear his bark. I miss that dog so freaking much. If you knew me, you would know that I need to get back to trusting and talking to God more. I go to church every Sunday I am in town, but it still doesn't feel like enough some days. I need to stop being so lazy and read my Bible more and just spend time with God and talk to Him. He is the one who REALLY knows me and loves me exactly how I am, so why don't I treat Him like that. If you really knew me, you would know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I try to think everything is always going to be okay and I try not to think the worst about anything, even though sometimes that is hard. If you knew me, you would know that I'm terrified of Andrew's upcoming deployment. The last one was hard on us even though we talked a lot, so I can't even imagine how Afghanistan will be. I'm terrified of something happening to him and it makes my heart sink just thinking about it. I honestly don't know what I would do with myself. If you knew me, you would know that I love people and I would seriously do anything for anyone if they needed me. I hate letting people down and I can't stand when someone is mad at me.
That is all I have so far, sorry for the rambling. I might add more later.
If you knew me, you would know that I'm not always as happy as I seem. Memories, thoughts, and the past get me down a lot. It's hard for me to let go of things that have hurt me, even though I try. It's hard for me to move past resentment and I really wish there was an "Easy Button" for things like that. If you knew me, you would know that my family is no where near perfect. But, I guess no family is. Some days I get so fed up with them that I just want to get in my car and drive far far away, but all in all I love them with everything I have. If you knew me, you would know that I'm scared to fail. I start nursing school next month, and I secretly don't want to. I'm so scared I'm not going to be good at being a nurse, or I won't know what to do for someone when the time comes. People ask me all the time if I am excited to start and I always say yes but deep down, I'm not at all. If you knew me, you would know that I envy many people. I think life can be unfair a lot of the time. Andrew and I have been dating for almost 3 and a half years now and not once has he been home for any of my birthdays or our anniversaries...and to me that isn't fair. I know people probably think, well you knew what you were getting yourself into when you starting dating him, but does that make any of it fair? If you knew me, you would know that some days I just feel like crying. Like today. I think crying is the only thing that is going to make me feel better. If you knew me, you would know that I miss my puppy more then anything. Just this past weekend I slept in and the first thing I thought of when I woke up was "Oh man, I need to take Moco outside." August 6 will be one year since he passed, and it still hurts my heart every time I think about him. I can still vividly picture his face and hear his bark. I miss that dog so freaking much. If you knew me, you would know that I need to get back to trusting and talking to God more. I go to church every Sunday I am in town, but it still doesn't feel like enough some days. I need to stop being so lazy and read my Bible more and just spend time with God and talk to Him. He is the one who REALLY knows me and loves me exactly how I am, so why don't I treat Him like that. If you really knew me, you would know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I try to think everything is always going to be okay and I try not to think the worst about anything, even though sometimes that is hard. If you knew me, you would know that I'm terrified of Andrew's upcoming deployment. The last one was hard on us even though we talked a lot, so I can't even imagine how Afghanistan will be. I'm terrified of something happening to him and it makes my heart sink just thinking about it. I honestly don't know what I would do with myself. If you knew me, you would know that I love people and I would seriously do anything for anyone if they needed me. I hate letting people down and I can't stand when someone is mad at me.
That is all I have so far, sorry for the rambling. I might add more later.
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