This was my 2nd holiday season without him. I've gotten to the point where I can tell people about him and how he passed away and not cry, but I find myself crying more and more when I'm alone. Things will never be the same. I miss the times when I was still living at home. I would wake up on Christmas morning so excited. I would go into my parent's room. My dad would still be in bed, but he would be awake. He would get up and we would go wake my brother up. We would yell downstairs to my mom that we were coming. I remember running downstairs so full of joy and excitement to see what Santa brought me. I always loved watching my parents open their gifts. Memories that I will always keep with me. I remember no matter if I was home on New Years Eve or not, my dad would always be up until midnight to wish me a happy new year. It's funny, the longer time goes on, the more the memories come back to me.
The changing of the year was hard. I feel like it just takes me further and further away from him and how nothing will ever be the same. It's crazy how you don't think of things until it happens to you. I had a friend whose dad past away when I was a freshman in college. I remember thinking I can't imagine my dad not being here. I never thought about what her mom was going through though. I never thought about how lonely the night could be when you're alone, or having to deal with the bills or car issues by herself. That is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. I hate the thought of my mom being lonely. It kills me. I can't sleep when my husband has to work all night, but having to do that every single night for the rest of my life...I can't imagine. My mom is the strongest woman I know. She still hasn't had a dream about dad yet. Is it silly to pray for a dream?
Christmas eve night, I had a dream about dad. Andrew and I were driving down a street in my neighborhood and we drove by my dad walking up the street. I gasped. Made Andrew stop the car and I got out. I remember walking up to him and him saying, "Yes, its real. I'm here" and I just hugged him so tight in awe that my dad was really back and I was touching him again.
I have been thinking back a lot on the last morning I spoke with my dad. It was the morning of his surgery. I can still remember what he was wearing as he walked into the hospital. I remember we went back with him to the pre-op room. He changed into his gown and was laying in his bed. He kept saying how dry his mouth was. So I got him some water to swish around in his mouth and spit out. I remember telling him I loved him and that he was the best dad in the whole world. I hugged him goodbye and he said he loved me. I watched them wheel him away. My mom kissed him and told him "God will take care of you". That was the last time I saw my father. I wish I would have said something else. I sometimes wish I would have known that was the last time I would speak with him, but then I know I wouldn't have let them take him back.
My world forever changed that day, and has been different ever sense. I got a tattoo of my dad's handwriting from a letter he wrote to me on my 16th birthday. I honestly believe if he wrote me a goodbye letter, it would have said the exact same thing. Forever a reminder of him under my heart. I have a new nephew. He has been such a bright light to me. I know my dad would love him so much. His first grandson. Kason makes me want kids. It is hard to think though that my dad will never meet my children. I'll never have pictures of him holding them. Or get to tell him that I'm pregnant and if its a boy, he will share your middle name. I never got to meet my dad's dad, so I really don't know what I'm missing there. I hate that my kid's won't know him.
Andrew and I will celebrate 2 years this coming May, and 7 years together this coming March. It is crazy how time flies. I still don't see how he puts up with me most days. He is God sent, and I'm so blessed.
I'm hoping 2014 will be a good year. 2013 was, and I'm thankful for that. I pray that God will take care of my family and help us step by step. I know my dad is watching over us but I know he wouldn't want to come back. Heaven is so much better then Earth.
Miss you, dad. See you soon!
