dreams

I saw my dad last night. I love dreams like that. I feel happy every time I wake up. In my dream, I knew he wasn't living so I was so confused when he walked up to me. I was so happy though. I wish I could have dreams about him every night. I miss everyday. I seriously cry on the way home from work every night. I don't know what it is about that drive. I guess it just gives me time to think. Think about him, how much I miss his advice and wisdom, how much I miss talking to him, and seeing him. I took my car into get the oil changed on Monday and they called and asked if I wanted to get the 90,000 mile check up. It was $400. I instantly thought "I need to call dad and see what he thinks I should do." That my first official break down. I didn't know what to do. He had all the answers like that. My dad's franchise did a memorial in their monthly news magazine. It's awesome seeing what everyone says about my dad. How he told his doctor to do whatever he had to do to keep him alive so he could walk me down the aisle. I think my dad in some ways knew he wasn't going to make it. God really works in mysterious ways. He knew all along what was going to happen to my dad. That is why he had Andrew propose when he did, he knew we would think Andrew would be deploying in June so we would get married before then, then have Andrew not deploy and get out of the MC so he could be home with me through all this. Andrew helped me so much during that time, and still is. I haven't found a way to thank him yet. I'm not sure how I would have reacted is roles were reversed, but he just held me while I cried and would listen to me whenever I needed to talk. I don't think he knows really how much I do cry still. I try not to let anyone see that. Songs can set me off, pictures, seeing my mom's front porch lights on last night set me off. About a week ago, I was at my parent's house in my old bedroom. I found a card from my dad. I opened it up and it was one of those record-able kinds. Hearing his voice instantly brought tears to my eyes. Now I will always have that, his voice right in my hands. The song "One more day" by Diamond Rio really has hit home. I wish I could spend one more day with him, but I know it would only leave me wishing for more.....

Does it get easier?

A few days ago was the one month mark of my dad's passing. It still doesn't seem real. I can picture the way he looks so vividly and my heart just aches. I find myself calling my parent's house when I know no one is home just so I can hear his voice on the voice mail. I find myself searching for pictures of him just to see his face again. I'm not sure it will ever get easier. I'm not sure if people know exactly what surgery my dad had. Two years ago, he had a anursym removed and pig valve placed and he also had his tricuspid valve replaced. That surgery went great. He was off the breathing machine the next day and was home in about 2 weeks. He started cardiac rehab and within months was working out again and feeling better then he ever had. This past January, (the day I found my wedding dress to be exact) he started having really bad chest pains. My mom and I were at the bridal store when my brother called and said he was taking dad to the ER. They did blood work to check his cardiac enzymes, nothing wrong. They gave him pain medicine and sent him home. At the end of January, he was sick to his stomach and throwing up constantly. I had my NCLEX test that morning and came home to him sick. After 20 more mins of him being sick, I drove him to the ER. They tried to find out what was wrong, did scans, checked his gallbladder. Nothing was wrong! It's one of those times you just wish they would find something wrong so we could get it fixed. But nothing. After this, my dad made an appointment with his cardiologist. In February, my dad was placed in the hospital and they did a CT scan to find out what was wrong. When the Dr. walked in to tell us the results of the CT scan my heart was pounding. He said there was a tear in my dad's descending aorta that went all the way down to his kidneys. I know he explained it more but I couldn't pay attention anymore. I was scared. What do you think when someone tells you the your dad has a tear in his heart. The doctor said they would wait to do surgery because the tear needed to scar over some so it wouldn't bust during surgery. My dad's one request was to wait until after my wedding. I keep thinking what if he can't make it, what if my dad never gets to walk me down the isle. What if I lose my dad. After the dr left, my dad called me over to him and just hugged me and we both cried. We were both scared as was the whole family. From February to September, my dad was placed on multiple blood pressure medications to make sure his blood pressure stayed low. All that medicine made him very sleepy. May 12, 2012 was the day of my wedding. My dad made it to my wedding. Looking back at the pictures, you can see how sick my dad looked, but I could see how happy he was too. He was happy to be there even though I know how sad he was that he was "losing his little girl". He cried when I gave him his present. He held my hand tightly during prayer, he cried (as did I) during our father/daughter dance. That dance will always hold a special place in my heart. That day, other then the obvious reason, will always hold a special place in my heart. Over the next few months, my dad went to multiple dr's appts. His surgery was finally scheduled for Sept 4. The day before, we all went over the my parents house. Looking back, I wish I had gone over earlier just to spend some time with him. My sister was in town so we had dinner and just sat around talking. I remember after dinner, leaning up against my dad's arm, I said "Are you nervous" and he said, "Wouldn't you be?". :/ The next morning, we all got to the hospital at 530am. I remember seeing him get out of the car, I remember seeing him walk. Telling him goodbye right before he went off to pre-op was heart breaking. My told him I loved him and that he was the best dad ever. That was the last time I would ever speak with my dad. He made it through surgery fine (or so we thought). I came back to see him the next morning before work expecting to see him off the breathing machine, and he wasn't. I instantly felt like something wasn't right. The night nurse told me he had started having seizures that night which wasn't normal. Thankfully my boss let me have as many days off as I needed. My family and I spent all day at the hospital, every day getting worse news. He had a stroke, the back of his brain had the most damage. If he did wake up, he would not be able to walk or probably speak. After speaking with the doctors and talking at home as a family, we decide that we didn't want to keep dad like this and he even decided himself months earlier he didn't want this life. We took him off life support on Sept 9 and while I was holding his hand he slipped into the arms of God. That day seems like a blur. Life is still very hard. I find myself wanting to talk to him so badly.I want to see his face, hear him laugh. God did bless me with a dream where my dad told me he was okay and I needed to keep living my life. My heart drops every morning when I think about not being able to see him. It sucks so bad knowing my children won't ever know their grandfather. Work seems to help, it keeps me busy. I still cry every day. I miss my dad more than I can even start to explain. I would give just about anything to see him again. You know that question that goes "Who is the one person dead or alive that you would have dinner with?"....my answer will always be my dad. I have a peace knowing that I will see him again. I find myself longing for that day. The day were we will praise Jesus again in Heaven. I hope he still knows how much I love him and how much I miss him. My life will never be the same. I still will smile, laugh, and love but that one piece of my heart that was my dad's will always be broken.I know I am very blessed to have had a dad like him, very blessed, I just wish I didn't have to lose him at 23. People say that the one thing they remember my dad saying before his surgery was "It's a win-win situation, either I make it through and be with my family again or I get to be with Jesus." Selfish me wishes he made it through the surgery with no brain damage and would be happy and healthy here with me. I know God has a reason for this, I know in my heart He does. But I don't know what that reason is. I found a letter my dad wrote to me on my 16th birthday. I plan to get it framed and hang it in my house. The whole letter is what I think he would say if he wrote a goodbye letter. I'm so glad I kept it. My dad ends the letter saying, "I was the first man in your life, but I know I won't be the last but I hope you always remember me as the one who wanted nothing but the best for you. I'll always be here for you, Love Dad." I miss you and love you, daddy! 05/10/1948-09/09/2012