2014

It has been awhile since I have posted. A lot has happened, not only in my life but in my family's. I started a new job at the hospital, starting selling jewelry as a part time job, and I have a new nephew. Life is exciting. But there is still a void. I miss my dad.

This was my 2nd holiday season without him. I've gotten to the point where I can tell people about him and how he passed away and not cry, but I find myself crying more and more when I'm alone. Things will never be the same. I miss the times when I was still living at home. I would wake up on Christmas morning so excited. I would go into my parent's room. My dad would still be in bed, but he would be awake. He would get up and we would go wake my brother up. We would yell downstairs to my mom that we were coming. I remember running downstairs so full of joy and excitement to see what Santa brought me. I always loved watching my parents open their gifts. Memories that I will always keep with me. I remember no matter if I was home on New Years Eve or not, my dad would always be up until midnight to wish me a happy new year. It's funny, the longer time goes on, the more the memories come back to me.

The changing of the year was hard. I feel like it just takes me further and further away from him and how nothing will ever be the same. It's crazy how you don't think of things until it happens to you. I had a friend whose dad past away when I was a freshman in college. I remember thinking I can't imagine my dad not being here. I never thought about what her mom was going through though. I never thought about how lonely the night could be when you're alone, or having to deal with the bills or car issues by herself. That is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. I hate the thought of my mom being lonely. It kills me. I can't sleep when my husband has to work all night, but having to do that every single night for the rest of my life...I can't imagine. My mom is the strongest woman I know. She still hasn't had a dream about dad yet. Is it silly to pray for a dream?

Christmas eve night, I had a dream about dad. Andrew and I were driving down a street in my neighborhood and we drove by my dad walking up the street. I gasped. Made Andrew stop the car and I got out. I remember walking up to him and him saying, "Yes, its real. I'm here" and I just hugged him so tight in awe that my dad was really back and I was touching him again.

I have been thinking back a lot on the last morning I spoke with my dad. It was the morning of his surgery. I can still remember what he was wearing as he walked into the hospital. I remember we went back with him to the pre-op room. He changed into his gown and was laying in his bed. He kept saying how dry his mouth was. So I got him some water to swish around in his mouth and spit out. I remember telling him I loved him and that he was the best dad in the whole world. I hugged him goodbye and he said he loved me. I watched them wheel him away. My mom kissed him and told him "God will take care of you". That was the last time I saw my father. I wish I would have said something else. I sometimes wish I would have known that was the last time I would speak with him, but then I know I wouldn't have let them take him back.

My world forever changed that day, and has been different ever sense. I got a tattoo of my dad's handwriting from a letter he wrote to me on my 16th birthday. I honestly believe if he wrote me a goodbye letter, it would have said the exact same thing. Forever a reminder of him under my heart. I have a new nephew. He has been such a bright light to me. I know my dad would love him so much. His first grandson. Kason makes me want kids. It is hard to think though that my dad will never meet my children. I'll never have pictures of him holding them. Or get to tell him that I'm pregnant and if its a boy, he will share your middle name. I never got to meet my dad's dad, so I really don't know what I'm missing there. I hate that my kid's won't know him.

Andrew and I will celebrate 2 years this coming May, and 7 years together this coming March. It is crazy how time flies. I still don't see how he puts up with me most days. He is God sent, and I'm so blessed.

I'm hoping 2014 will be a good year. 2013 was, and I'm thankful for that. I pray that God will take care of my family and help us step by step. I know my dad is watching over us but I know he wouldn't want to come back. Heaven is so much better then Earth.
Miss you, dad. See you soon!

My Izzy

I know I need to write more. Time just passes so fast, but I don't want to forget what happens in my life. I want to be able to read back and remember small details of my life.



This blog post will be about my niece. One of my favorite people in the whole world. This girl has been through so much in the short 5 years of her life (whether she knows it or not), and I'm so glad she is back in our lives now. I haven't talked much about what is going on but my brother is currently fighting for custody of Izzy. He goes back to court next month, and I'm praying he gets 50/50....if not more. For now, we get Izzy every other weekend, and then on the off weeks, every Thursday. Of course, all those days, I work. It has been hard seeing her as much as I would like. I miss spending time with her and it sucks I only see her an hour a night (if that) while she is with us.



Well, last night, I decided to invite her to spend the night with me. She was so excited. Mom told me she talked about it all day and couldn't wait until I got off work. When we got home, she showed me some dance moves. Let me tell you, these moves were funny. She kept saying "You probably can't do these moves, but watch" and she would jump and spin and jump and spin. After I finally convinced her to stop dancing, she got in the bathtub. She was slightly obsessed with the jets in the tub. Keep turning them on and off and asking why mamaw's tub doesn't have jets. I was in my bathing suit so I wouldn't get my clothes wet while she was in the bath and afterwards I was trying to change under my towel and Izzy said "If your towel falls, I won't laugh". This girl, I swear, has the biggest, my kindest heart. I love listening to her talk even if its about nothing. This morning she woke up and kept saying "KB I had such a good time". She even told me I needed to buy her toys for my house if she was going to be staying here more. haha



Izzy has my heart. I love her like she is my own. I never want to see her hurt or scared or sad. I only want to see her smile and laugh. There is a song from Ben Rector and it goes like this....this song is for Izzy... (just changes the words to make it about a little girl)



"I am young but you are younger so you speak more words then mumble. You have to lend an ear to everything I say.


So be kind and love your mother and your father, though sometimes they seem to bother, come my age, and you'll know


There the ones who'll always love you and support you, they prayed for you before you stepped foot into this world. That's one thing that I've learned.


I remember you were walking, in a month I'll hear you talking. There's a million things I'd love to say to you.


Though your parents, they are wiser and will be better advisers, maybe hearing these things twice will get them through.


Go and find a girl for whom your love is selfless, someone who makes you helpless, to change the way you feel. But stay away from girls who always look so pretty, who's hearts just aren't fitting for the man in you I see. Would you remember that for me?

Would you remember that for me? Oh..

Would you remember all these things?

When you find yourself alone in times of trouble, reach inside you and above you, there's nothing He can't heal.

And if it is you do not end up with a brother, just call your older uncle, I can always lend an ear. Would you remember that for me?

Would you remember that for me? Oh..."

Missing Him

I'm not sure why, but my dad has been on my heart and mind a lot this last week. I wish I could even put into words how much my heart misses him. I see pictures of him and I can just hear his voice or picture the way he would walk. I can still feel how it would feel to hug him. I miss being able to talk to him. Get advice. I even miss hearing him be mad. I saw a quote yesterday that said "What you take for granted other people are praying for". That is so true. Before my dad got sick, I'm sure I took him for granted. I think back to this time last year. We just found out that he was sick. Before January, he was perfectly fine. I never once thought my dad would be gone in less than a year. I never thought my dad wouldn't be around to meet my children. I never thought he wouldn't be around to see me turn 24 years old. In some ways, I wish I would have known. I wish I would have known so I could have given him a longer hug, just sat with him and watched tv longer, taken car rides with him, listen to him complain about how bad UT football is and not tell him to be quiet. I wish I could have told him I loved him more. I wish I could have kissed him more. There are so many "wishes" that I have....but I know deep down in my heart, he knew. He knew how much I loved and admired him. He was my hero, my biggest fan, and the person that wanted nothing but the best for me.

---

My birthday was just a few weeks ago. It was hard not having my dad there. It was hard not getting those flowers from him since he promised he would never let a birthday go by without sending me flowers. It was hard not getting that "Happy Birthday sweetie" text first thing in the morning. My mom and husband tried their hardest to make my day good, and it was, but there was still someone missing....and the suckest part is that there always will be. Every birthday, every holiday, every happy occasion, there will be someone missing. In my heart, I know he is watching, but its not the same. It's not the same not getting that hug and forehead kiss or that "Good Job"....it's just not the same.

---

The thing that is really tugging at my heart a lot lately is how he won't meet my kids. I'm not sure how many people watch "Long Island Medium", but I do and I love that show. Many times on that show, she has talked with people who have lost their parents and she says their parents held their children before they came to Earth. I LOVE that. I hope in some way that is true. That God would let my dad be there when he makes my children so my dad can see them and meet them. I'm still never going to get that picture of him holding my kids or hear him say "Welcome to Parenthood" like he told my sister. I'm never going to hear him call them "pumpkin" or be able to watch him interact with him. It's not fair. Life isn't, I know that, but man....it sucks is the only way I know how to describe it.

---

The loss of my father has taught me one thing, don't take things for granted. Don't keep people in your life who no longer bring you joy, and treat those you love right. I know my dad would be proud of me. I just wish I could see him again. I love these dreams, but they are such a tease. I love you, dad. I think about you every day. This is one of my favorite picture of my daddy and I.

"Happy" New Year

2013...... I always look forward to the New Year. I guess in some ways, I did this year too. But, it also brought some sadness. 2012 was a major rollercoaster for me. I had the best and worst days of my life all within 4 months of each other. In some ways, I didn't want 2012 to end. The end of the year took me farther away from the last day I saw my dad or heard his voice. I now can't say "he passed away in September", now it is "he passed away last year". Christmas was hard without him. I'm so blessed to have a husband who didn't even put up a fight when I said I wanted to spend the night at my mom's house and have Christmas morning there. Christmas morning is a big deal in my house and I couldn't imagine being anywhere exact with my mom. Christmas morning was honestly as good as it could be. Andrew bought all of us something to do with remembering my dad (which of course made me cry) and my mom got my dad's old business cards laminated for us. I now carry it in my wallet wherever I go. That night, we went to Andrew's house. It's nice having another family now. I found myself being extremely homesick lately, which hasn't happened since I first moved out. I just want to be with my mom and spend as much time with her as I can. I like being "home" even if no one is there. Memories have been popping into my head recently of my dad that I haven't thought about in a long time. Some nights are harder then others. I think when I'm by myself I have more time to think, which always leads to tears nowadays. I keep wondering what I would have gotten my dad for Christmas this year or what funny thing he would have said. This year will also be my first birthday without him. I miss his present and his advice. I just miss knowing that he was there.... 2013 I'm hopeful will be better than 2012. I just wish it was going to be a littler different 2013

dreams

I saw my dad last night. I love dreams like that. I feel happy every time I wake up. In my dream, I knew he wasn't living so I was so confused when he walked up to me. I was so happy though. I wish I could have dreams about him every night. I miss everyday. I seriously cry on the way home from work every night. I don't know what it is about that drive. I guess it just gives me time to think. Think about him, how much I miss his advice and wisdom, how much I miss talking to him, and seeing him. I took my car into get the oil changed on Monday and they called and asked if I wanted to get the 90,000 mile check up. It was $400. I instantly thought "I need to call dad and see what he thinks I should do." That my first official break down. I didn't know what to do. He had all the answers like that. My dad's franchise did a memorial in their monthly news magazine. It's awesome seeing what everyone says about my dad. How he told his doctor to do whatever he had to do to keep him alive so he could walk me down the aisle. I think my dad in some ways knew he wasn't going to make it. God really works in mysterious ways. He knew all along what was going to happen to my dad. That is why he had Andrew propose when he did, he knew we would think Andrew would be deploying in June so we would get married before then, then have Andrew not deploy and get out of the MC so he could be home with me through all this. Andrew helped me so much during that time, and still is. I haven't found a way to thank him yet. I'm not sure how I would have reacted is roles were reversed, but he just held me while I cried and would listen to me whenever I needed to talk. I don't think he knows really how much I do cry still. I try not to let anyone see that. Songs can set me off, pictures, seeing my mom's front porch lights on last night set me off. About a week ago, I was at my parent's house in my old bedroom. I found a card from my dad. I opened it up and it was one of those record-able kinds. Hearing his voice instantly brought tears to my eyes. Now I will always have that, his voice right in my hands. The song "One more day" by Diamond Rio really has hit home. I wish I could spend one more day with him, but I know it would only leave me wishing for more.....

Does it get easier?

A few days ago was the one month mark of my dad's passing. It still doesn't seem real. I can picture the way he looks so vividly and my heart just aches. I find myself calling my parent's house when I know no one is home just so I can hear his voice on the voice mail. I find myself searching for pictures of him just to see his face again. I'm not sure it will ever get easier. I'm not sure if people know exactly what surgery my dad had. Two years ago, he had a anursym removed and pig valve placed and he also had his tricuspid valve replaced. That surgery went great. He was off the breathing machine the next day and was home in about 2 weeks. He started cardiac rehab and within months was working out again and feeling better then he ever had. This past January, (the day I found my wedding dress to be exact) he started having really bad chest pains. My mom and I were at the bridal store when my brother called and said he was taking dad to the ER. They did blood work to check his cardiac enzymes, nothing wrong. They gave him pain medicine and sent him home. At the end of January, he was sick to his stomach and throwing up constantly. I had my NCLEX test that morning and came home to him sick. After 20 more mins of him being sick, I drove him to the ER. They tried to find out what was wrong, did scans, checked his gallbladder. Nothing was wrong! It's one of those times you just wish they would find something wrong so we could get it fixed. But nothing. After this, my dad made an appointment with his cardiologist. In February, my dad was placed in the hospital and they did a CT scan to find out what was wrong. When the Dr. walked in to tell us the results of the CT scan my heart was pounding. He said there was a tear in my dad's descending aorta that went all the way down to his kidneys. I know he explained it more but I couldn't pay attention anymore. I was scared. What do you think when someone tells you the your dad has a tear in his heart. The doctor said they would wait to do surgery because the tear needed to scar over some so it wouldn't bust during surgery. My dad's one request was to wait until after my wedding. I keep thinking what if he can't make it, what if my dad never gets to walk me down the isle. What if I lose my dad. After the dr left, my dad called me over to him and just hugged me and we both cried. We were both scared as was the whole family. From February to September, my dad was placed on multiple blood pressure medications to make sure his blood pressure stayed low. All that medicine made him very sleepy. May 12, 2012 was the day of my wedding. My dad made it to my wedding. Looking back at the pictures, you can see how sick my dad looked, but I could see how happy he was too. He was happy to be there even though I know how sad he was that he was "losing his little girl". He cried when I gave him his present. He held my hand tightly during prayer, he cried (as did I) during our father/daughter dance. That dance will always hold a special place in my heart. That day, other then the obvious reason, will always hold a special place in my heart. Over the next few months, my dad went to multiple dr's appts. His surgery was finally scheduled for Sept 4. The day before, we all went over the my parents house. Looking back, I wish I had gone over earlier just to spend some time with him. My sister was in town so we had dinner and just sat around talking. I remember after dinner, leaning up against my dad's arm, I said "Are you nervous" and he said, "Wouldn't you be?". :/ The next morning, we all got to the hospital at 530am. I remember seeing him get out of the car, I remember seeing him walk. Telling him goodbye right before he went off to pre-op was heart breaking. My told him I loved him and that he was the best dad ever. That was the last time I would ever speak with my dad. He made it through surgery fine (or so we thought). I came back to see him the next morning before work expecting to see him off the breathing machine, and he wasn't. I instantly felt like something wasn't right. The night nurse told me he had started having seizures that night which wasn't normal. Thankfully my boss let me have as many days off as I needed. My family and I spent all day at the hospital, every day getting worse news. He had a stroke, the back of his brain had the most damage. If he did wake up, he would not be able to walk or probably speak. After speaking with the doctors and talking at home as a family, we decide that we didn't want to keep dad like this and he even decided himself months earlier he didn't want this life. We took him off life support on Sept 9 and while I was holding his hand he slipped into the arms of God. That day seems like a blur. Life is still very hard. I find myself wanting to talk to him so badly.I want to see his face, hear him laugh. God did bless me with a dream where my dad told me he was okay and I needed to keep living my life. My heart drops every morning when I think about not being able to see him. It sucks so bad knowing my children won't ever know their grandfather. Work seems to help, it keeps me busy. I still cry every day. I miss my dad more than I can even start to explain. I would give just about anything to see him again. You know that question that goes "Who is the one person dead or alive that you would have dinner with?"....my answer will always be my dad. I have a peace knowing that I will see him again. I find myself longing for that day. The day were we will praise Jesus again in Heaven. I hope he still knows how much I love him and how much I miss him. My life will never be the same. I still will smile, laugh, and love but that one piece of my heart that was my dad's will always be broken.I know I am very blessed to have had a dad like him, very blessed, I just wish I didn't have to lose him at 23. People say that the one thing they remember my dad saying before his surgery was "It's a win-win situation, either I make it through and be with my family again or I get to be with Jesus." Selfish me wishes he made it through the surgery with no brain damage and would be happy and healthy here with me. I know God has a reason for this, I know in my heart He does. But I don't know what that reason is. I found a letter my dad wrote to me on my 16th birthday. I plan to get it framed and hang it in my house. The whole letter is what I think he would say if he wrote a goodbye letter. I'm so glad I kept it. My dad ends the letter saying, "I was the first man in your life, but I know I won't be the last but I hope you always remember me as the one who wanted nothing but the best for you. I'll always be here for you, Love Dad." I miss you and love you, daddy! 05/10/1948-09/09/2012

Happy/Nervous

I'm not really sure how to feel. Last night when I found out the news about Osama, I ran downstairs and shared the news with my dad. We both couldn't believe, so we turned on Fox News. Sure enough, "Osama Bin Laden is dead" was at the bottom of the screen. It a way, it was wonderful to see. After all this time, we finally got him. We got the man that killed our own people. After 10 years, we killed him. I know all the troops are freaking ecstatic right now. I'm so proud of our troops, I can't even explain it.

In another sense, I'm nervous...and scared. I scared about what it is going to be like in Afghanistan now. I was Andrew was coming home sooner then July. I'm nervous that the Taliban is going to get even more pissed off and come at us with full force. Not to mention, the Taliban even announced yesterday that they were officially starting their Spring Offensive. I want Andrew to stay safe, but I feel helpless. I know he and his whole unit are good Marines. They have been trained by the best and they are the best, but I still can't help thinking "What is going to happen now." I keep praying for the troops safety every time it crosses my mind. This war is a long way from over, and they need as many prayers as they can get. God please protect them, keep them strong and alert. If it is Your Will, confuse the enemy and make them weak. Be with our guys and let them all come home safely!

Pslam 91 has really been helping me:
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

This is going to be a long two months. The only way I am going to feel better anytime soon is to hear Andrew's voice and to find out how it is over there now. Ugh...stay safe baby!